Facebook Prison changes a man. The moment that silicon door slammed behind me, a shudder ran up my spine — it came straight from the devil. When I heard that key slowly turn to close the cyber lock, my soul became void of love and emotion. Facebook prison is colder than a pimp’s heart.
I’d been there before — accused, tried, and convicted of so-called crimes I felt were innocent acts of simple amusement, misunderstood by the algorithms. There’s no judicial process in social media though, just an invisible kangaroo court that tilt the scales of justice toward the billionaires.
My first prison sentence was in June of 2021. I’d suggested in a Facebook comment thread that we should still burn witches. I received a six-day sentence. In hindsight, I see the foolishness of that remark. If I’d only suggested we drown witches, I probably could’ve gotten away with it. At the very least, if I’d used drowning instead of burning, I could’ve built a strong defense on my behalf.
In August of 2022, I got sent before the algorithms for the second time. I posted a GIF of the television character, Al Bundy, pretending to hang himself. That the GIF was available on Facebook to begin with, was never taken into consideration. I should’ve known better though — on social media, talking about anything violent, is as good as doing it. It’s like the algorithms are Catholic or something. Another six-day sentence.
Last week, someone posted a picture of a cat with a transparent cone on its head, showing its teeth in anger. I captioned the meme…
“I’m a martini, and I’ll kill you…“
I should have written…
“I’m a martini, and I’ll beat you up real real bad…“
Would’ve made all the difference.
On my first day in Facebook prison, my only meal was a meatball, with no sauce, just like Cosby got on his first day. I slept on a cold bed of stainless steel — with no blanket. My cell-mate was a deaf, mute with a nervous tick. He used his spork to carve the following sentence onto the cell wall…
“I’m in for using a potty word…“
All through my first night, I heard other prisoners coughing, crying, and lashing out — it was like in asylum in the third world. I just lay in my bed, shaking and wishing it were all a bad dream. The following morning I was issued me my first blanket — it was made of straw. Breakfast was a cucumber. I was shown to my job at the prison laundry, but given no instructions. I just sat all day, and huffed laundry soap.
On the fifth day, the algorithms contacted me via email — bad news. A seventh day had been added to my six-day sentence. I’d been caught attempting to create a false Facebook profile, as a way around my initial sentence. I was told that any further attempt, and I’d be given a life sentence. I thought of my brother, Mark, now in the third year of his life sentence, and the anguish my mother felt the day they closed the door behind him.
I’ve accepted my sentence and will serve it quietly. I’ll do my best to rehabilitate myself, and to resist the temptation to post questionable memes, use potty words, and make threats against witches. With good behavior I’ll be out Monday evening at 5:45 PST.
To those who’ve stuck with me, and believed in my innocence, I thank you. To everyone who’s reached out; your support in this lonely time has been invaluable. I’ll do my best to honor the trust you’ve shown me, by not putting myself in this position again. Ah, who am I kidding…? I’ll be back — I am a recidivist, repeat offender.
This is what I think about when I ride… Jhciacb
This week by the numbers :
Bikes Ridden: 4
Miles: 146
Climbing: 6,500’
MPH AVG: 15.0
Calorie: 8,200
Seat Time: 9h 45m
Whether you ride a bike or not, thank you for taking the time to ride along with me today. If you haven’t already, please scroll up and subscribe. If you like what you read, give it a like and a share. If not, just keep scrollin’. Oh, and there’s this from The Chesterfield Kings. Enjoy…
The Spoke And Word™ 
Wow, I wouldn’t last a week. I hope you brought a toothbrush.
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You laugh, but a toothbrush is gold in this place. I traded mine for a yam and two squares of chocolate…
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HaHa!! My comments on MSN are frequently blocked. For example, on an article about Bob Dylan I simply wrote: “Mr. Tambourine Man,” and it was rejected.
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You and your rebellious attitude. Perhaps we’ll end up as cellmates someday…
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The crazies really are running the institutions now.
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Sadly, yup…
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Seems your jail time and my retreat came together. Ah… no wonder Roy has been silent. Yes, agree with Dr. J… those who are in protect mode have made the algorithm master… open the pod bay doors… with the echo of … no… over and over. Thank you Roy. May the return be gentle and invite a different path to memes… for they are masterful and so, so, fun.
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Thank you, very much, Bill. I hope your retreat wasn’t out of operational necessity from the rain and mud, but I’m guessing, at least in part, it was.
That said, I look to rejoin the family tomorrow or Tuesday, and as always, thank you for the support…
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I love your analogy! Yet, isn’t it interesting that people can write hateful, hurtful, irreparable things about their friends and family and people love it and those algorithms never notice. Just thinking…
I loved the cat martini!
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Exactly. Thank you for taking the time, and you absolutely pegged it…!
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sending you a packa smokes
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Thank you, but stamps and cash or appreciated too…
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You never cease to amaze me….
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Well, that’s a bit of a stretch, but I appreciate your taking the time!
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Otter:
Point of parliamentary procedure!
Hoover:
Don’t screw around, they’re serious this time!
Otter:
Take it easy, I’m pre-law.
Boon:
I thought you were pre-med.
Otter:
What’s the difference?
Otter:
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests – we did.
Otter:
But you can’t hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg – isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!
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Two things always make me smile: getting a comment from my friend, Cliff, and an animal house reference. Put those things together, and this might be the best day of my life…
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Go Get ‘Em Your one of A Few Good Men,and They can’t handle the truth !
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Channeling, my inner Jack Nicholson, yeah, what he said…
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Well damn.
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Based on your blog dialogue, you may have huffed too much of the soap. I thoroughly enjoyed your amusing story. A cucumber for breakfast? That made me laugh out loud.
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