Flip, Flop, Fly…
I don’t talk about it too often with too many, but I live with the a great deal of anxiety, depression and sadness. It does not represent most of my waking hours, but it shows up daily. If I divided my days into quarters, I can honestly say that it shows up at least once per quarter.
Where this comes from, I can’t really say. I only know that it’s been there as long as I can remember. I have memories as far back as the 3rd grade when the weight of the world seemed so heavy, and when sadness could work its way into me so suddenly, that the darkest closet in the house was always the best hiding place.
And I have lived with this my entire life.
Don’t get me wrong, I am well aware of and well appreciate the richness of my life. Most of my waking hours are content at minimum, and often quite heightened. The home in which I live, the structure of my days, and all the blessings and all the opportunities which surround me each day are more than I could have ever hoped for as a child. I am as grateful for all of this as I am aware of it.
Rarely though, goes a morning, an afternoon or an evening in which all that goodness and all the wonder that constructs my life isn’t pushed away by the sudden winds of sadness and depression. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
And as immediately as my depression taps me on the shoulder and announces itself, I think — oh no, here we go again. But I hunker down, board up the windows to my mind and soul, and wait for the storm to pass. And it always passes…
Physical movement has most often been my antidote for this. Though it has never made the root of the problem go away, physical movement has been as effictive in treating the symptoms my depression as any narcotic or liquid, prescribed or otherwise.
So when people suggest to me that I could take a day off of riding, that I miss a workout or that it’s alright to forgo my daily walk, what they are really telling me is that it’s okay (with them) to skip my medicine and to let my symptoms linger longer.
That’s not okay. That’s never okay.
These days, as much as anything, and within the chaos of the world, it’s the hate, anger, rage and ignorance exchanged between others that puts me there. The world doesn’t have an on/off switch. If it did — if I could just turn off the ignorance and abusive attitudes of others, I would. I can’t though, so I keep moving.
And for anyone reading who might be one of those people who regularly throws around the hate, the anger, the rage or the ignorance, and even if you do so with the best of intentions, please be aware of the unintended casualties, I might just be one of them, and there are many others, just like me.
This is what I think about when I ride… Jhciacb
16.3 mph avg
Today’s earworm: All Things Must Pass, by George Harriso (tastefully covered here by Ween)