Flip, Flop, Fly…
I don’t talk about it too often with too many, but I live with the a great deal of anxiety, depression and sadness. It does not represent most of my waking hours, but it shows up daily. If I divided my days into quarters, I can honestly say that it shows up at least once per quarter.
Where this comes from, I can’t really say. I only know that it’s been there as long as I can remember. I have memories as far back as the 3rd grade when the weight of the world seemed so heavy, and when sadness could work its way into me so suddenly, that the darkest closet in the house was always the best hiding place.
And I have lived with this my entire life.
Don’t get me wrong, I am well aware of and well appreciate the richness of my life. Most of my waking hours are content at minimum, and often quite heightened. The home in which I live, the structure of my days, and all the blessings and all the opportunities which surround me each day are more than I could have ever hoped for as a child. I am as grateful for all of this as I am aware of it.
Rarely though, goes a morning, an afternoon or an evening in which all that goodness and all the wonder that constructs my life isn’t pushed away by the sudden winds of sadness and depression. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
And as immediately as my depression taps me on the shoulder and announces itself, I think — oh no, here we go again. But I hunker down, board up the windows to my mind and soul, and wait for the storm to pass. And it always passes…
Physical movement has most often been my antidote for this. Though it has never made the root of the problem go away, physical movement has been as effictive in treating the symptoms my depression as any narcotic or liquid, prescribed or otherwise.
So when people suggest to me that I could take a day off of riding, that I miss a workout or that it’s alright to forgo my daily walk, what they are really telling me is that it’s okay (with them) to skip my medicine and to let my symptoms linger longer.
That’s not okay. That’s never okay.
These days, as much as anything, and within the chaos of the world, it’s the hate, anger, rage and ignorance exchanged between others that puts me there. The world doesn’t have an on/off switch. If it did — if I could just turn off the ignorance and abusive attitudes of others, I would. I can’t though, so I keep moving.
And for anyone reading who might be one of those people who regularly throws around the hate, the anger, the rage or the ignorance, and even if you do so with the best of intentions, please be aware of the unintended casualties, I might just be one of them, and there are many others, just like me.
This is what I think about when I ride… Jhciacb
Today’s Ride…
Bike: Vasudeva
22 miles
1,200’ climbing
16.3 mph avg
1,400 calories
Today’s earworm: All Things Must Pass, by George Harriso (tastefully covered here by Ween)
The Spoke And Word™ 
Human body forgives but never forgets a traumatic event/incident which occurred in our lives. Physically or mentally, we learn how to manage the condition. Whatever that condition may be. Some manage it better than others. Learning to be aware of triggers and to be educated on getting treatment helps control a condition.
I’ve had poor behavior and have been called a Jekyll and Hyde, or Incredible Hulk Ass Hole. I feel you Man. We become vulnerable when we open up and share.
Thank you for the care and consideration to share this. Amen Cycle Rama Amen 🙏🚴🏼♂️
I like your Rx 🚴🏼♂️🚴♀️🚵🏻♂️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Brian. I get it — totally. I can go from zero to Son Of Bitch in 2.3 seconds.
Glad to see you walking these days. Glad to see with Toby. The best Rx…
LikeLike
There just isn’t an emoji for my reaction to your post. If Ide have to post a reflection of how what you wrote affected me personally I’d put up a mirror and say me too!
For me it’s the hope of escaping every day into some form of endorphin feeding activity… petting Rabbits & cats, gardening when weather allows, helping others, obsessively cleaning, listening to classical….
yes 4 quarters a day is about right.. I have to about face it 1 time each quarter!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Jan, for taking the time. I know you carry a heavy internal load too. I appreciate greatly that your surroundings keep you grounded — literally.
Find the dirt. Touch the fur. Breath the scents of the woods around you.
And keep your faith close, which I know you do…
LikeLike
I get it! Running (and the martial arts lately) has been very therapeutic for me for a looooong time! I’ve heard too many people tell me to take days off or don’t overdo it now, go slow etc. I’m sure I will follow that advice one day, but that day ain’t here yet 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Today was my slow day, Doc — only had time to ride 20 miles. In all of 2018, I only failed to ride 10 times. Shooting for 360 in 2019….
LikeLike
Came here from Mark’s FB page. I don’t suffer from depression etc but I do know – and well – the heling power of movement. Ride on brother! And if you’re up in the Ned/Eldo/Rollinsville area maybe we’;; see ech other on the road. Or the Nordic trails?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for stopping by the blog and checking it out. I haven’t lived in Ned since 2015, but if I’m ever back in the area, I’ll hit you up for a ride. I miss it terribly — in summer…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wonderfully honest post. Exercise + writing = some of the best therapy (in my opinion). The world can be a bit much most of the time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know how busy your life is, Heidi. Thank you very much for taking time to read and comment. I means a great deal.
Exercise. Writing. Puppies, and puppies… 🙂
LikeLike